Saturday, November 22, 2003

teeveebee Court in Session

Case 118384, the Honourable Judge Ho Farn presides.

Plaintiffs' counsel: Your Honour, my name is Swee Ng Hei and I'm representing my clients, the Ah Hsuan fan club, the Ah Sheh fan club and the Ho Ying fan club. My learned friend, Choi Lei Do Sor, is representing the defendants, the Hor Yee fan club.

My clients are dissatisfied with the results of the Favourite Female Lead Role going to a named Ms Hor Yee and her attitude after. Remarks made by Ms Hor Yee has led to much distress and the general attitude among my clients is that she did not deserve the award at all. We are thus asking the court to help us in defaming her even further and to guarantee that next year, the award goes to Ms Ho Ying as she rightly deserves.

I call upon the Ah Hsuan fan club as my first witnesses.

Ah Hsuan fan club: We swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and bla bla bla...

Swee Ng Hei: Can you tell the court why you think Ms Hor Yee did not deserve the award?

Ah Hsuan fan club: She's ugly, she's arrogant and she's known not to be on friendly terms with Ah Hsuan! Also, Ah Hsuan acts much better than she does! Some more, Ah Hsuan's series this year was the highest rated! How could she have lost out to her?! Also, when other actresses win it, there's never so much controversy and news. That just goes to show she obviously didn't deserve it.

Swee Ng Hei: Thank you. I have no further questions, Your Honour.

Defence counsel, Choi Lei Do Sor: Ah Hsuan fan club...can you tell me the name of this award?

Ah Hsuan fan club: Favourite Female Lead Role.

Choi Lei Do Sor: And in your opinion, what does this award mean?

Ah Hsuan fan club: It's given to the actress who acted the best this year.

Choi Lei Do Sor: I say it's given to the actress who acted the best even though there is no 'best' in the name of the award...

Ah Hsuan fan club: But it's obvious...

Choi Lei Do Sor: And because she generated much negative media coverage compared to other actresses in earlier years, she obviously does not deserve the your opinion, is she good friends or even friends with the other nominated actresses?

Ah Hsuan fan club: No, we don't think they really get along.

Choi Lei Do Sor: And this is well-known?

Ah Hsuan fan club: Yes.

Choi Lei Do Sor: So, if you were the media, wouldn't you use such an angle to create more news and discord to sell more papers?

Ah Hsuan fan club: Probably, but...

Choi Lei Do Sor: I have no further questions, Your Honour.

Judge Ho Farn: The witness is excused.

Swee Ng Hei: Your Honour, the plaintiff would like to call their next witness, the Ah Sheh fan club.

Ah Sheh fan club: We swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and ya, bla bla bla...

Swee Ng Hei: Can you tell the court why you think Ms Hor Yee did not deserve the award?

Ah Sheh fan club: Ah Sheh had three series this year, same as her! Why give her and not Ah Sheh? teeveebee loves Ah Sheh, after all! She's not a nice person even! She made funny faces at Ah Sheh when Ah Sheh was talking. And what she said about Ho Ying, so rude! She doesn't even have any fans, they didn't show up to congratulate her.

Swee Ng Hei: Thank you. I have no further questions, Your Honour.

Choi Lei Do Sor: Ah Sheh fan you know the name of the award that Ms Hor Yee won?

Ah Sheh fan club: Favourite Female Lead Role.

Choi Lei Do Sor: Favourite Female Lead Role. Not Actress With The Most Series in The Year, or Nicest Person, or Most Polite Person, am I right?

Ah Sheh fan club: Yea...but still she didn't need to be that arrogant and rude...

Choi Lei Do Sor: Tell me, were you there when Ms Hor Yee allegedly made those arrogant and rude remarks?

Ah Sheh fan club: It was all over the papers!

Choi Lei Do Sor: Were you there?

Ah Sheh fan club: No...

Choi Lei Do Sor: Also, how did you know her fans did not show up or were nowhere near to congratulate her?

Ah Sheh fan club: 'Cos I read that YeungY fans and LFung fans turned up to congratulate them but didn't hear of any fans that turned up to congratulate her.

Choi Lei Do Sor: 'Cos you read...were you there?

Ah Sheh fan club: No...

Choi Lei Do Sor: And did you read that other fans turned up to congratulate their idols?

Ah Sheh fan club: No...

Choi Lei Do Sor: So it means that other than YeungY and LFung, other artistes do not have fans?

Ah Sheh fan club: ...

Choi Lei Do Sor: Thank you. I have no further questions, Your Honour.

Judge Ho Farn: The witness is excused.

Swee Ng Hei: Your Honour, the plaintiff would like to call their next witness, the Ho Ying fan club.

Ho Ying fan club: We swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and like the rest, bla bla bla...

Swee Ng Hei: Can you tell the court why you think Ms Hor Yee did not deserve the award?

Ho Ying fan club: The award should have gone to Ho Ying! teeveebee changed it the last minute and gave it to her! How could they?! Ho Ying's a better actress than she is anytime and she hasn't even won anything! Furthermore, she's teeveebee's highest paid actress. Doesn't that say she's important? How can they not give her the award? It's time she won it! Also, how could she say that our idol doesn't have a representative piece? Where was she when our idol rocked the screens with the DIF trilogy? And what's this about working harder? Who's she to give advice?! How does she know Hoi Ying didn't work hard?! Just plain disrespectful. Absolutely no sportsmanship.

Swee Ng Hei: Thank you. I have no further questions, Your Honour.

Choi Lei Do Sor: Ho Ying fan club...I would like to ask again, the name of the award in question.

Ho Ying fan club: It's the Favourite Female Lead Role.

Choi Lei Do Sor: Oh? I thought it was The Lead Actress Who's Never Won Before Award. You mean, it's not? Interesting...Also, tell me, this representative piece, the DIF trilogy...was it for 2003?

Ho Ying fan club: No. The DIF trilogy was in the early 90s to mid-90s.

Choi Lei Do Sor: I, it means she hasn't had one since then. Could Ms Hor Yee have been commenting about this current year?

Ho Ying fan club: But she didn't say the year! She just said our idol didn't have a representative piece!

Choi Lei Do Sor: But she could have meant this year, could she have not?

Ho Ying fan club: We don't know, she didn't say.

Choi Lei Do Sor: Exactly. She didn't say. Another thing...this comment about changing the winners at the last minute, you mean to tell me you were privy to the results before they were announced?

Ho Ying fan club: No, we just read in the papers...

Choi Lei Do Sor: Ah, read in the papers again...I see...thank you. I have no further questions, Your Honour.

Judge Ho Farn: The witness is excused.

Swee Ng Hei: I have no further questions or witnesses, Your Honour.

Judge Ho Farn: The defence can proceed.

Choi Lei Do Sor: Thank you, Your Honour. I would like to call upon my clients, the Hor Yee fan club to present their side of the story.

Hor Yee fan club: We swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and yadda yadda yadda...

Choi Lei Do Sor: Your idol has been accused of not being deserving of the award and of being rude and disrespectful to her fellow colleagues. Do you have anything to say in her defence?

Hor Yee fan club: We all think it's a matter of sour grapes. Our idol won. Their idol didn't. Who's being the unsporting ones here? They can all say what they like. The fact is that our idol won for her role in King of Yesterday and Tomorrow. It was an extremely enjoyable and likeable role in the highest rated modern series of the year. As for her being disrespect and rude, maybe she was a little. But it's because of the fact that she won this award that this whole thing is being blown out of proportion. It's just something else for the sour grapes to latch onto.

Choi Lei Do Sor: Thank you. I have no further questions, Your Honour.

Swee Ng Hei: Hor Yee fan club, do you not think that your idol's remarks were wrong and disrespectful?

Hor Yee fan club: Who knows what she was thinking at that time? We cannot read her mind. Sometimes when you say something, other people may interpret differently than what you intended it to be. Her remarks could have been written by the media to purposely show that she was disrespectful and rude.

Swee Ng Hei: So, what you're saying is that you found her remarks rude and disrespectful too?

Hor Yee fan club: It was written and read that way, yes...

Swee Ng Hei: Ah! So, you admit that your idol was wrong! I have no further questions, Your Honour.

Choi Lei Do Sor: Hor Yee fan club, can you tell the court what the article said?

Hor Yee fan club: It said that the reporters mentioned to our idol that Ho Ying was disappointed in not receiving the award as a wedding gift, and our idol replied, "Really! Maybe she's lacking a representative piece. If she works hard, she'll get her chance."

Choi Lei Do Sor: Does it seem funny to you that the two items don't seem to be related?

Hor Yee fan club: Yes, it doesn't seem as though our idol was replying to the reporters' statement at all.

Choi Lei Do Sor: Thank you. I have no further questions, Your Honour.

Judge Ho Farn: The witness is excused. Counsels, please prepare your closing submissions.

Choi Lei Do Sor: One, the award is for Favourite Female Lead Role, not Best Actress, not Favourite Actress, not The Lead Actress Who's Never Won Before, not Actress For The Most Series, not teeveebee's Pet. Female Lead Role means the role, the character in a series. Favourite means likeability. The most likeable lead female character in a series. Does that make sense? Two, it is a well-known fact that Ms Hor Yee does not get along well with her other female colleagues and is not well-liked among their fans. The reporters could very well have used this angle to create more discord, which we all know means more news. The people love a good gossip. Papers sell. Reporters happy. Thus they continue fueling the fire. The fact is, my client's idol won the award. This is clearly a case of sore losers making a mountain out of a mole hill. I ask that the court throw this case out the window. Thank you.

Swee Ng Hei: It is clear that Ms Hor Yee is guilty of being rude and arrogant to her fellow colleagues. Her unsporting attitude has caused much distress among my clients, especially the Ho Ying fan club. It has also been established that they are many more other actresses more deserving of the award than her, in terms of higher ratings, most-loved by teeveebee and being with the station the longest. It is clear she is unworthy of the award. We ask that the court retract the award and give it to either one of our client's idols. Anybody but her. That way everybody will be happy. Thank you.

Judge Ho Farn: All done? Good. Now, can we get back to our lives?

(Credit: Legal terms and procedure to junny.)

Monday, November 17, 2003

WWF - The Wonderful World of Fanatics

Seeing the viewership potential in the latest onslaught of fighting, name-calling and slander among fans, teeveebee has been busy at its drawing boards coming up with an avenue where fans can finally take it out on each other whilst the station reaps in the profits from sponsors and advertisers.

Said one teeveebee Executive, "This is another reality show we're venturing into. Since the concept has caught on so well in the West, we decided to give it a go here too. Similar to the Survivor series, the last person left standing wins."

Asked what is it that the winner will win, the teeveebee Executive replied, "The prize is invaluable. The winner gets self-satisfaction as well as the right to grin at another smugly, and we guarantee an increased vocabulary of words not usually used in normal circumstances too."

A wrestling ring has been set up in the middle of the empty teeveebee Jeung Gwan OhOh Station multi-storey car park. At all four corners of the ring sit teenage youths waving flags, posters and photographs of their respective idols.

Very soon, the ringmaster climbs inside. He waves to the crowd and nods for their silence.

"Ahem! Welcome to the first ever WWF! A wrestling ring dedicated to all fanatics. Here, claws will fly! Mud will be slung! There are no holds barred! And the last one left standing wins!"

The crowd roars in delight. Whistles and cheers pierce the air.

"In the red corner, we have the Ah Hsuan fan club; in the blue corner, it's the Ah Sheh fan club; in the green corner, the Hor Yee fan club; and in the white corner, the Hoi Ying fan club!"

Cheers and jeers resonate throughout the audience.

Typically, the first group out on the centre of the ring are the Ah Hsuan fan club. Marking their territory, they growl at anyone who dares come near. The Ah Sheh fan club slowly tries to creep their way through though. The Hor Yee fan club, on the other hand, retreat into their own world with the knowledge that their idol is the best and that they don't need to go shout it or fight it out with anyone. The Hoi Ying fan club just yawn and stare at their fingernails and wonder if they should get a manicure.

"Ah Hsuan is the best! Anybody who doesn't agree is stupid!" shout the Ah Hsuan fan club.

"Move aside Ah Hsuan. You're not an ex-beauty queen! teeveebee loves Ah Sheh more than you. Ah Sheh is taking over this very moment!" scream the Ah Sheh fan club.

The Hor Yee fan club tries to stifle their yawns as the Hoi Ying fan club puts a kettle to the boil. "Care for some tea?" they ask the Hor Yee fan club.

Meanwhile, the Ah Hsuan fan club and the Ah Sheh fan club are hurling at each other an array of words too colourful to print here. And to the delight of teeveebee Executives who envision ratings going through the roof, the audience starts to join in the fray as well.

"You're so rude! How could you say that??!" one wails.

"What business is it of yours?" another retorts.

"I'm just saying it because you said it first!" shouts the one next to the wailing one.

The enthusiasm of the audience refreshes the spirits of the Ah Hsuan fan club and the Ah Sheh fan club who proceed to attack each other with even more vigour.

Again, in the interest of audience sanity, such graphic and audio scenes have been

The dust finally settles...

...and it is not a pretty sight.

Like their idols, the Ah Hsuan fan club and the Ah Sheh fan club have mysteriously been afflicted by a disease called TFS, also known as Terrible Fashion Sense.

In the blink of an eye, the Fashion Police appear on the set and haul off the offending Ah Hsuan fans and Ah Sheh fans; thus leaving the Hor Yee fan club and the Hoi Ying fan club who are still enjoying their tea with strawberries, scones and cream.

Suddenly the Hor Yee fans scream and jump up from their seats holding on to their stomachs. "Toilet, toilet, need the toilet!" they chant almost in unison as they climb out of the ring and run towards the lavatories which are on the 22nd floor of the building next door.

One teeveebee Executive grins to himself as he hides the packet of laxative in his pocket.

"And it looks like we have a winner!" the ringmaster cries.

The Hoi Ying fan club smiles and wave to the audience, who, seeing that there wasn't anyone else to cheer for, start to automatically cheer for them.

When interviewed, this is what the Hoi Ying fan club had to say about their unexpected win, "Our idol is teeveebee's darling and Hong Kong's ratings queen, after all. Everybody loves-Aiyyeeeee..."

The stage collapses with all of them still on it!

Up in the control room, another teeveebee Executive chuckles in delight at having had the honour to flick the 'Collapsing Stage' switch.

"Ermm..." the ringmaster picks himself up from the rubble and dusts himself off before smiling perfectly into the camera as if nothing ever happened. "It looks like I was mistaken, ladies and gentlemen. The real winners are the evil teeveebee Executives!"

And with that the audience once again cheers and applauds in loud approval, for if they didn't, the evil teeveebee Executives won't give them their doorgifts of shampoo, ice-cream vouchers and other cheap items.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Frankie & Kenix

by Bernie

Frankie: (thinks) Wow, she's FINALLY agreed to marry me!!! I've waited 8 long years!

Kenix: (thinks) I guess I've made him wait long enough...or have I? Wow, these necklaces are really heavy, maybe I shouldn't have worn so many.

F: This is so great honey, now when can we have kids???

K: We're not even married and you're thinking about kids? We'll have kids when I say so.

F: Yes dear!

K: Oh jeez, you didn't shave again?

F: I did dear, you know how I am naturally hairy...

K: Well you better keep this kiss short! You're spiking me to death! You'd better not have ruined my make-up!

F: No! Of course not dear!

K: You can add an extra zero to the budget of the engagement ring for this...

F: (sighs) Whatever you say my dear!

Friday, November 14, 2003

Behind the scenes: 2004 TVB calendar

R: Go, go, go! And complete with hand actions too!

A: Err.... how come I'm with him? I'm not his lo por jai wor...

M: Why do I have to hold this silly teapot?

A: So touched....TVB paired me up with two young ladies for this shoot and I'm the only oldie in this calendar!

J: This is better than last year. At least, I dont have to see someone's face and hear her voice.

J: Oh....I'm married. Better not stand too close...don't want any gossip now...

F: HAH !! I'm the only male from VOH that got on this calendar!

J: How did I get stuck with these two? And why aren't I in January??

D: I can pretend she's S...I can pretend she's S...

T: Why is it I always get paired up with old guys?

B: I have no clue what I'm doing with these headphones...

M: Hmm...betcha somebody wishes she could trade places with me...

Mo: Eh? You mean this isn't an underarm deodorant shoot?

SY: And I thought after 3D Nameless Angels, that would be the last I'd see of them...

C: I'm in the centre, I'm in the centre! Nyah nyah nyah...

SK: Next year, I'm going to be in the centre...

M: You'd better not look down or I'll jab you in the eyes. Aihh...Can't hold out any longer, my leg's cramping up...

R: Look ahead, look ahead. Focus elsewhere, focus elsewhere. hand is going numb...hurry up...

F: I wish I was in May...

L: Phew...I still get to be on the calendar...

K: I'll just sit here and look handsome.

R: Woohoo! At least I'm not with the bunch of them in November!

S: I wonder if I can use any of these guys to generate gossip for myself. Hmm...

WH: Let's get on with this...I haven't got all day....

K: I'm extra special. See, there are two of me in the picture!

B: Two of you to fit one of me, see!

Group: It's a bit crowded in here...

A, KW, M: This feels like Lady Yang in the 21st Century....

L: Hahaha...TVB can't do without my pretty face!

M: How come he gets to stand next to her?

B: Oooh...I've got my hand on his shoulder! Just wait till as soon as this is over... hehehe.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Attack of the Fashionably-Challenged Celebrities

This aptly titled new TVB series stars Gallen Lo, Jessica Hsuan, Roger Kwok and Flora Chan.

TVB has decided to produce a new reality series starring current top guy, Roger Kwok, and top gal, Jessica Hsuan. Rounding up the leads are last year's top guns, Gallen Lo and Flora Chan.

Said one TVB spokesperson, "You can really see how these four were the natural choices when it came to determining the lead cast for Attack of the Fashionably-Challenged Celebrities."

-- promotional group shot of the leads at the costume try-out session and their reactions when asked what they thought of their new costumes.

G: My costume? Actually, I woke up late. These were what I wore to bed. Didn't even manage to comb my hair...

J: The costuming department didn't have anything I liked so I brought my own! What do you mean what I'm wearing went out two seasons ago? See, I complemented them with lacy garter stockings. That makes it a new style altogether!

R: Since Lo Por Jai brought her own, I did the same. It seems when you're in the upper celebrity echelons of TVB, it's a must to dress like that. There's so much I have to learn from these three guys. I've just found fame and I'm still poor, unlike them, shoring up properties, getting new boyfriends and girlfriends. This is so unfair!!

F: If everybody's wearing their own clothes, so am I! I'm Little Black Riding Hood, I am! It helps camouflage the multi-coloured floral prints inside, see. Stop laughing or I shall blast you with my wrist thingamajig.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

teeveebee on the wall - Calendars

Location: TVB Promotions Executive Meeting Room, TVB City

*Three executives sit around a table - a pile of 2004 TVB promotional calendars lie on the table opened up at November and November *

* Another executive rushes in through the door and wipes the sweat from his brow*

Exec 1: Whew! That was a close one. Just managed to send the press away with some story about why there are two November pages this year!

Exec 2: Yeah, we were lucky that the mistake was in November.

Exec 4: Otherwise that stuff about the anniversary wouldn't have washed... which idiot signed it off without taking out that prototype kid picture anyway?

* The three look accusingly at Exec 3 who is cowering in the corner*

Exec 3: *trembles* I thought the kid picture would be better, you got six for the price of three!

Exec 2: We did prove something though.

Exec 1: What's that?

Exec 2: Our public is so gullible we can do anything and they will believe us!

Exec 4: What do you mean?

Exec 2: *leaning back in her chair* Well, we managed to change history just like that to make a tragedy fit the market by turning it into a romantic comedy.

Exec 1: Yeah and we run out of months to show all our artistes, so why not just add an extra month to the year?

Exec 4: That's a good point. Hey, you know we're getting a lot of people coming back this year, we're gonna run out of spaces on next year's calendar. How are we gonna get around that?

Exec 1: *with a glint in his eye* Simple!

Exec 2: Of course! We'll just even out the year into twenty months as of next year. Then we'll have plenty of room for everyone.

*Execs 1, 2 and 4 congratulate each other - Exec 3 shakes his head, he obviously hasn't been there as long*

Exec 3: *protesting* I don't think our viewers are stupid...

Exec 2: *ignoring Exec 3* Hey if we tell our scriptwriters to make sure that all our series have 20 months in a year, then everyone will be totally conditioned by next year and will go out looking for 20 month calendars for 2005!

*Exec 3 slams his head on the desk*

Exec 4: That's good. And we can have a promotional event to vote for your favourite character so we can have a naming competiton for the 8 new months...

Exec 1: *inspired* How about 'Wongember'? Or Samuary?

*Exec 3 has had enough and storms out of the conference room*

Exec 2: *getting excited* Oooohhh and guess what extra months means?

Exec 1: What?

Exec 2: It means we get paid even more...

Exec 4: *beams* Wow eight months extra pay! That's a great idea!

Monday, November 10, 2003

More awards added to 36th Anniversary celebrations

~ report by Aiwah, Lepra, Jin and Mini-Ray

To create more hype for the run-up to the 36th Anniversary, TVB has decided to add even more awards to the usual few already mentioned. The TVB Feng Shui master was consulted and it seems that adding these 13 awards to the existing 8 awards will bring good fortune and luck to the station.

The additional awards and nominations are:

Award for the most times the tvb slogan has been mentioned in a series
"CHUEN LIK YI FU JO DO JUI HO!" (Give it all you got and do the best!)
- Virtues of Harmony 2, Take My Word For It, Vigilante Force

Award for most shameless product placement in a series
- Virtues of Harmony 2 for mooncakes, coke, tissues, ointment, water etc; Survivors Law for heelys; Ups & Downs in the Sea of Love for the cruise, Life Begins at Forty for 7-eleven and tissues

Award for most drawn out death scene in a series
- Sai Hin and Cheong Ping in Perish in the Name of Love; Lai Shing Nam in Lofty Water, Verdant Bow; Lau Lai Ling and Yeung Lap Kwan in The W Files; Chan To Yeung in Find the Light

Award for worst partnership in a series
- Kwong Wa & Shirley Yeung in In The Realm of Fancy; Bowie Lam & Tavia Yeung in Vigilante Force; Adam Cheng & Joyce Tang in The Driving Power

Award for rewriting history in a series
- Perish in the Name of Love; Whatever It Takes

The character with the most eventful life award (read: exceptionally tragic)
- Chan Sam Yuen in Armed Reaction 4; Cheong Ping in Perish in the Name of Love

The female character with the worst voice award
- Cheong Ping in Perish in the Name of Love; Yuen Yuk Chu in Witness to Prosecution 2; Ho Seung Hei in Point of No Return

The male character with the worst hairstyle in a series award
- Sam in Triumph in the Skies; Ah Wong in Square Pegs; Lee Dai Ha/Yongzheng in King of Yesterday and Tomorrow; Gam Sai Wai in Lofty Water Verdant Bow

Award for best animal appearance in a series
- the snakes in Armed Reaction 4; dog dog in Not Just a Pretty Face; the rabbits in Perish in the Name of Love; the parrot in Better Halves, the 'monster' in Whatever it Takes

Award for most rushed ending in a series
- Survivors Law; Armed Reaction 4; Take My Word For It; Square Pegs; Virtues of Harmony

Award for most overuse of CGI in a series
- bullets in Vigilante Force; swimming sequences in Aqua Heroes, pretty much everything in The Legend of Love

The worst english name for a series award
- Vigilante Force, The Driving Power, The W Files, Aqua Heroes, Square Pegs

The worst acronym for a series award
- T.I.T.S (Triumph in the Skies); K.O.Y.A.T (King of Yesterday And Tomorrow)

You can vote for your winner by using the comments link!