Tuesday, August 03, 2004

teeveebee academy presents: Choosing photo partners for dummies

Welcome to the teeveebee guide to choosing a photographic partner. I'm your host Myolie and as you can see, I have been studying this hefty manual that is every artistes bible on how to make sure the best is brought out of you in every photo for the press.

Lesson One - The Pork Chop

As you can see, Ron's choice to have his photo taken with this 'Chop Queen' does wonders in exaggerating his good looks to the audience.

This is obviously a popular choice among the good looking boys as Alex also chooses the right 'fan' to be photographed with. Note how Alex has mastered this technique beautifully as he even seems pleased to be in the company of such a distinctly ordinary girl - perhaps he has spotted the next fan in the line.

Lesson Two - Children & Animals

When you have no plain looking fans around, grab the best fed kid you can find and pretend to be friendly. Fake your best "I LOVE KIDS!" grin and try to hide the fact you think this kid could do with a couple of laps around the block. Mandy demonstrates this beautifully here, but when she plans to do with that offensive weapon is another story.

When there are no kids provided by the venue, don't worry, you can always bring your own. This way you have exclusive rights to have your pic with them and in the case of Flora, holding a kid can hide a multitude of sins, including wearing no make-up and having no dress sense.

No kids around, no worries - Niki and Patrick demonstrate that animals can have the same effect, especially if you emulate their goofy expressions. Unfortunately for Niki in this picture, her leg looks too much like a chicken drumstick for Patrick's dog to pay attention to anything else.

Lesson 3 - Strange Indistinct Phallic Symbols

Andy tries a fresh approach by trying his luck with this rather odd character, but beware of direct comparison not of looks but of endowments. This fella beats you hands down Andy, even if his is attached to the top of his body and has his face embedded in it.

Lesson 4 - When all else fails

Ada and Nancy show that they are obviously experts in the skill of showing oneself up in these excellent choice of partners. Beware though as extreme exposure to these specimens may leave you with a nervous disposition.